Thursday, 22 November 2012

Asda - Chosen By You - Mince Pies

As a guest writer, I feel the need to stay true to the tagline for this blog, and therefore I most certainly will not be mincing my words.

These are the worst mince pies I have ever had the misfortune of tasting. My brother, founder of The Mince Pie Administration, spotted rather quickly that Asda's "Crumbly, golden shortcrust pastry packed with juicy sweet vine fruits" was most likely made by the same people that made Iceland's Christmas Mince Pies. And we all know how terrible those were.

Let's start from the top; the box. It does not scream Christmas. It has a red background, a very faint star behind some text, and a picture of an appetising mince pie (which is absolutely nothing like what you are about to get) and that's it. Boring.

Each pie has 8.5g of fat and 18.7g of sugar. But to be honest, I don't care about that stuff, it's the taste that's important.

The first thing you notice when looking at this pie, and indeed the entire tray of pies, is that all the dusted sugar granules are not evenly spread across the lid, but instead, all in one spot. That is only a minor point though, since the decorative star on top looks more like a four leaf clover, and as you can see above, the edge of the pie is already beginning to suffer.

I must admit that this is the second time I've had this pie. I had my first a couple of weeks ago where halfway through eating it, I had to take a picture and send it to my brother as it had completely crumbled under the pressure of my tiny little fingers. My second pie was no better. It completely failed. No good, decent mince pie should ever fall apart.

By now, you must know that my brother prefers a good mincemeat filling to the pastry that surrounds it. I am the opposite. Asda's pastry is awful. It is FAR too soft and undercooked, to the point where it managed to weld my tongue to the roof of my mouth, against my will. As much as I love a good amount of pastry, this was just too much, and it was not helped by the quality.

Once I managed to pry my mouth apart for another bite, I turned my attention to the filling. It looked nothing like the box, to say the least. I expected to see large chunks of vine fruit or something, but instead I was met with a pureed mess with little bits of... well. I dread to think. There was an overpowering taste of citrus that was so sour it made me pull that uncontrollable childish face you make if you bite straight into a lemon. And when you swallow, thinking the worst is over, something (goodness knows what) attacks the back of your throat making you wish you'd never taken a second bite.

It took me over 20 minutes to eat this pie. It was such a chore to finish, and not enjoyable in the slightest. "Chosen by you"? Asda, you did not ask me.

To summarise, this is a pie to give to your worst enemy.

- "You expect me to talk?"
- "No, Asda mince pie, I expect you to die!"


If you disagee (WHY?!) by all means, comment below. I love a good argument.